Saturday, January 21, 2017

Armadillo Bank of America Mob

On Armadillos:

Some people don't know this, but South Carolina has been under siege lately by these weird creatures. Not too long ago they were only in the southwest but they have found their way here by some awful turn of events.

My case against them is strong. They are essentially tiny dinosaurs that eat fire-ants and carry syphilis. On top of that they move remarkably quick. There was a video of a guy approaching an armadillo with a stick, and the small dinosaur went in attack mode and chased the dude. Just as you think it couldn't get any worse, it let out a shrill Nazgûl-like shriek that is now ingrained in this guy's mind.

Back in August I saw an armadillo in our backyard. At first I thought it was a opossum, but looking closer at it I saw it's shell in the brightness of a streetlight. The legends were true.

I instinctively went for my BB gun, knowing the dangers of these animals (plus the cats were a little concerned). I was a safe distance off from any backlash the armadillo would have, about 80 feet, and I shot.

The first one missed I think, so I fired again and heard the BB hit its shell. The thing rapidly turned around and started coming towards me, totally disregarding the danger it was in. It hopped off to the front yard and I didn't see it again. There was another time, about three weeks later when I heard it moving through the backyard, but it was too dark to make it out.

If you can say anything good about these dudes, it's that they are brave. They stand up to anyone who would dare oppose them. The downside to their attitude is that they are dangerous to some degree, and damaging. Often they will dig holes in the ground, looking for food (our yard is now filled with these). They are also a danger for salamanders and bobwhite quail, according to Extension Agent, Ben Powell of Clemson University (see here for more information: http://www.clemson.edu/psapublishing/pages/hort/IL93.pdf). While I'm at it, I'm confident in saying that they don't show up for jury duty when called upon.

Just a final word: these diseased turtle-pig-rabbit spawns are known for burrowing underground to escape cold temperatures, and there is a sizeable hole next to our house. On an unrelated note I'm going out tomorrow for firecrackers.

-Todd


  

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